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An Extraordinarily Ordinary Life: A Boring Non-Burglary

02 Oct

The following blog post was retrieved from a server going out of service. Given the time that has elapsed since these posts were originally published, they are being reprinted here for your reading pleasure.

Originally Posted: Thursday, October 2, 2003 at 12:23pm

Look at that! Comments! How freaky is that? Actual fairies bickering about me. Me! Speaking of comments, I didn’t see Amanda’s note until just now, so when she walked into my kitchen at 7:30 this morning she scared the crap out of me. I had just pulled out my cereal bowl when she appeared.

“Put that away. We’re going out for breakfast.”

I squeaked and almost dropped the bowl. Yes, I don’t scream. I squeak. It’s embarrassing.

“How’d you get in here?” I asked.

“I’m a fairy, remember? I can go anywhere.”

Oh right. I told her I couldn’t go out for breakfast. I had to work.

“No you don’t. You called in sick,” she told me

“I called in sick?”

“Okay, fine. I called in sick for you. You need to recover from the trauma of yesterday. You’re now free for the day, so let’s go get breakfast.”

“But I’ve never taken a sick day, ever. And I never suffer from trauma, thank you very much. I’m not that dramatic.”

“Just think of it as a start to a non-boring life.”

I was super mad at her — I mean, how dare she? But I kept quiet because I’m pretty sure it’s not a good idea to anger a fairy.

She took us to this seedy diner, scarily seedy. Then just after we got our menus, she disappeared. I don’t mean “she got up and walked away” disappeared. I mean she turned into a rabbit and hopped out of reality. The waitress came to ask if I was ready to order, bringing me out of my shock at seeing Amanda vanish. I couldn’t make eye contact with the waitress. She frightened me. She looked like she’d been doing heroin for the past 30 years.

Normally, I only allow myself eggs on Sundays, but today I splurged and ordered bacon and eggs both well done. I figured they couldn’t kill me with bacon and eggs, could they?

I sat there wondering if I could take a tabloid magazine on an empty table when I realized that I had never gone out to eat alone. You’d think I’d have done that before given how non-existent my social life is. But no. First time ever. And know what? It wasn’t half bad. The breakfast itself was actually very good and I did grab the magazine to read all about the crazy lives of people I’ll never meet.

I left the diner, no idea what to do with my day off now that Amanda had abandoned me, but then she hopped into reality in front of me and turned back into her human form. She looked puzzled.

“How was breakfast?” she asked, her gaze focused behind me.

“Fine.” I said coolly, as if people appeared and disappeared in front of me all the time.

“Anything happen?”

I shook my head. She pulled a daytimer out of her bag, checked the name of the restaurant. She confirmed the date and address with me.

“Something wrong?” I asked.

“This is worse than I thought,” she said. “There was supposed to be an armed robbery at that restaurant twenty minutes ago. Oh, don’t worry, no injuries! Are you sure nothing happened?”

I told her that some guy had stepped in the restaurant, looked around then left again.

“First the bomb, and now this. Hmm… No one can be that boring naturally,” Amanda muttered to herself, then her eyes lit up and she gave me a big hug. “Oh, honey, I know exactly what it is. You’ve been cursed to be boring!”

Oh yay? Finally something exciting happens in my life, and it turns out to be boring. Yay indeed.

Comments (1)

At least we know why I was called in. It’ll be easier to fix things now. Please tell me about the rest of your day, okay? Kisses! Amanda.

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